For me, it's obvious at this point in my life most of my thoughts revolve around my children. Infact, my entire DAY revolves around my children. This week has been fairly rough, what with having a near-ansomniac of an infant, rainy cold weather, being couped up in the house, and finding that it doesn't matter how much I clean or pick up, the next day it still looks as if I'd never touched a damn thing. Frustrating? Yes. Tiresome? Even more so. Worth it? Totally.
My husband tends to stare at me with wide, blank eyes when he considers the idea of staying
with the girls all by his lonesome for more than a few hours. He thinks he won't know what to do. But that's what parenting is all about, like one big science experiment. Hypothesising, testing, conjuring up theories . . . the only difference between a Science Experiment and raising a child is instead of immediate results, you have to wait 20 - 30 years to get them. And although I feel like ripping all of my hair out more frequent than I should -- or want to hand the baby to husband, take the keys and leave for a day . . . or two or three -- when I look down to see the beautiful face of an angel sleeping in my arms, or check on my big girl to see her sleeping so sweetly (she's grown sooo much!), my day of chaos and insanity is totally worth it. I'm willing to give everything I am to these girls, willing to sacrafice my sanity temporarily until we all get this life of 4 down. I love them so much. Wild, fussy, non-stop talking kids at day, but my sweet, sweet angels at night.
So when I'm stuck in the rocking chair with my baby who has issues with getting herself to sleep (I say stuck because I'm one of those people who thrive on multitasking and getting things done, not because I loathe rocking my child to sleep), most of myreflections center on my two girls:
what I could've done better that day (more patience), what my favorite part was (the cute things big girl says), what I'll do differently/better tomorrow (patience, spending more one on one time with big girl), etc. My other thoughts revolve around 1: my book and the parts I'm revising (it plays like a movie in my head, love it!), 2. My own personal childhood compared to what I'm trying to provide for our girls and 3. My unknown future, including if we'll all still be here the end of 2012 (hey, I have a very open mind ya know).
It goes deeper than that at times. Thoughts I can't figure out how to get into words. I think a lot. Not as much as I use to since now my only quiet thinking time is when I'm rocking baby to sleep (it was driving up until big girl learned how to carry conversations, now it's non-stop jibber jabber). It makes me nostalgic, distant, and well . . . thoughtful. What about you?
(Top is big girl, second is big girl as baby, and last is new baby girl.)