This is exactly how I feel at the moment. Like I have all the responsibilities and activities of a woman with eight arms, but lack the arms to get anything done. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and wouldn’t go back to change anything, but I’ve always been the type of person to do a lot. A lot of things at once. It’s just who I am. When I was a kid, I’d always have some extracurricular activity or two on top of hobbies, etc. etc. For Pete’s sake, I’ve had over 27 jobs! (What can I say, I’m a well rounded employee?)This blog is more so a vent/thinking out loud to get my stuff together kind of blog, so feel free to completely disregard or you know, give me a pat on the back (Lord knows I need one! ;-P)
I think a lot of my emotion comes from lack of sleep. I seem to get down on life, not to mention extremely grumpy and difficult, when I’m majorly sleep deprived. But this week has had me thinking a lot on pinpointing why I’m so frustrated and depressed. Because honestly, I have a great husband, two wonderful daughters, a house, clothes, food . . . a computer! What more could I ask for? I’ve come to a few conclusions.
There are some things that have fallen on the wayside since becoming a mommy of two. The house, for one, hasn’t so much fallen on the way side as it has become a horrible obsession in concerns of keeping it clean. It’s ridiculous really, almost 5 years ago before I was pregnant with my first, I was sloppy, unorganized, messy and a few nights would go with dishes piled high on the sink before I’d actually do them. Now, every night the kitchen has to be as clean as I can get it (notice I didn’t say spotless). It’s a habit I can’t shake myself from. I can’t not get stressed when the house is a wreck and I hate that.
Let me mention my greatest mental flaw. Guilt. I can feel a massive amount of guilt for the smallest of things. For instance, the other item in my life that has fallen by the way side: my lesson plans/activities with my eldest daughter. Yes, the best learning at her age is through play but still . . . we’ve enjoyed doing so many fun lesson plans with science experiments, writing and reading exercises, the guilt just eats me up. It was one on one, mommy and her time she doesn’t get anymore, and there’s even a part of me that fears she’ll forget everything she’s learned. Oh, and the obsessiveness about the house being clean? I feel guilty when I clean and don’t spend time with the girls. But I just can’t seem to let the house go to complete disaster (I have relaxed a little lately and gone a day without worrying about cleaning so I could play with the girls).
Other things I wish I had the time to do but just can’t manage and have had to let go are my Suite 101 articles, which I really enjoy writing. And my kids home video’s, I’m still a year behind and the longer I wait the more I’ll be behind and it’ll become this monstrous project I’ll want to hide from.
As for things that have to get done in the very near future, I blink in a daze on how I’ll manage doing it all. Before second kid? A breeze. But now? I know I expect a lot from myself. I know that. I always have, and I’ve always put high expectations on anything I do more than anything else in life. But I can’t seem to be okay with failing on the following things. I’ve had plenty of rejection in my life to be immuned to the fear of failing. And maybe it isn’t so much the fear of failing as the fear of losing my passion . . . letting something retire, giving up, moving on, changing interest . . .
My number one priority aside from my family is my book. I’ve put almost 3 years of my heart, soul, sweat, imagination, you name it, in this thing and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let IT fall to the wayside. But, and I’m sure my mood doesn’t help nor my time situation, I just can’t seem to get it right. I can’t write right. Haha. Funny, ya? I figured out what I wanted to change. I’ve started to change it, and I know it’s going to make the story better, but I hate that I’m back at this stage again. I really liked the stage where I was DONE and ready to get an agent. I want to be there again, but my fuel is empty. I have two book events rearing up on me, two weekends in a row. The first is April 25, an Agent/Editor event in which I’ll have the chance to pitch my book, as well as May 2-3, the DFW Writer’s Conference, in which I’ll be doing the workshop and once again, have a chance at pitching. Can any one say sheer panic? AH!
On top of that, my husband and I are doing our churches Capital Campaign again as the audio/visual peeps. That means I have to schedule interviews and edit the entire video, it’s due mid April. I can hardly find the time to write, how the heck am I going to find the time to edit?? And I want to do it, God has given my husband and I a gift in the visual arts with media, and this is an opportunity to touch people, and to help our church. But what good am I if I’m so stretched thin? My creative juices have a leak.
School. I’ve decided to return to school to finish my degree in Early Childhood Education, going part time, it’ll take me 5 years. I have to get transcripts, and start studying math so I can test out of Algebra (ug) this summer. Which brings us to:
Summer Camp. I am the lead teacher for Theater camp at our church, and I love love love it. I did it last year, but it was the first year and there are plenty of things that I want to change in the curriculum and the style in which the camp is held. Which means for the most part, I’ll be writing 60% of brand new curriculum for that week. It’s in July, but I’m a person that must be prepared. So planning and prepping has to start now.
Those are the main projects that have to be tackled, and two of the big ones are at the same exact time. Plus, there are all the extra little things going on like big girl’s dance performance next Saturday, her soccer games, baby’s baptism (this Sunday), Easter/My birthday (same day this year), family portraits (has to get done, baby getting big, my hair getting shaggier), plus I teach music class at my daughters Preschool.
If only I could have eight arms, or eight ME’s I’d be okay. But I’ll get through this. I can do it. I’ll find a way, some how. I asked my mother to come over two Mondays from now (she’d do it this Monday if it weren’t for a work situation she has) to watch the girls for about 4 hours so I can get my manuscript completely finished. As for the video, well, it may not be up to the quality that it was last time because unless a miracle happens and we grow some money in our bank account for a babysitter, the only time I can get the editing done is Tuesday and Thursday mornings while trying to take care of baby (and I’ve found each day is different. Some days she’’ll sleep, others . . . not so much).
Ok, so this is probably my longest blog EVAR. But I feel a little better just getting it out there where I can see it. Maybe next month I’ll use some of freelance writing money to pay for a mommy’s helper! Thanks for listen—er—reading, folks. Have a fabulous weekend!
PS . . . I had time to write this because I'm babysitting. I could be using this time to write, yes yes, I know. Had to vent!
Information about the Hindu Goddess, Durga.