Time Slipping Through My Fingers

I’m listening to The Fray, the song “Look After You”, and I can’t help but think of my girls. I know it’s said repeatedly, and I remember hearing it when I was pregnant with #1 and just nodding absently when someone would say it, “They grow up so fast!” Seriously, it’s like time speeds up the older you get and it sucks. I remember being twelve, lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling, thrilled about being an adult and impatient for the time to come around. I would dream what I thought it’d be like being a “grown up” and eighteen, twenty five, couldn’t come fast enough.

And now, as life has zipped through the years, I’m watching my youngest who is eight months, crawling, eating table food, and breaking out her amazing personality. I can hardly remember when my four-year-old was doing that! I’m grateful for being the techno nerd that I am (being married to a video production guy helps) because I have DVDs for every year of their life, but still, it’s crazy, people. As I fight to make sure I give enough attention to both my girls while doing the bajillion things I do in life, and fight the guilt that plagues me every day because of something I could’ve done better as a parent, or fight to have a better mood when sleep deprivation brings out the beast-mom in me…the time slips through my fingers. Each day is another day one of my girls has grown in some way, physically, emotionally, academically, and it’s so incredibly easy to get distracted by life, responsibility, stress, schedules, the list could go on.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not asking myself, “Am I doing enough?” “What could I be doing better?” “How can I be more patient?” “How can I spend more quality time?” And there are days I can answer some questions, days that I can’t, or days in which I do but never follow through. I hate feeling like I’m never doing good enough, it drives me nuts, but then I guess it means I care a great deal about the issue if it’s a major obsession that takes up half of my mental attention.

I’m the type of mom that looks forward to the future, so this kind of rant is due, I suppose. I always “can’t wait to have a sleep over” or “can’t wait to go on her first shopping spree” or “can’t wait to meet for lunch when she’s moved out and started a life of her own”. Okay, maybe the last one isn’t really a “can’t wait” scenario, but it IS something I think about. That mother-daughter bond I thrive for.

So what’s the point of this random ranting blog? I’m not really sure. I suppose it’s another way for me to see how I can do better. Or maybe I’m trying to prove to myself I’m doing a decent job. But, most of all, it’s to repeat the classic line to anyone out there who has young kiddos like me. They DO grow up so fast. We take time for granted in such an epic way, I’d go bipolar if I didn’t have DVDs to go back on to see how my girls have changed and grown and developed. And they look up to us SO much. There isn’t a week that goes by where my eldest doesn’t say something to the effect of “I’m going to grow up like you, mommy.” (which, uh, by the way, doesn’t help in the good-enough-mommy-stress-o-meter, but I love to hear it anyway and it always melts my heart).

So, ending these ramblings in random form, I give you some things my kids have done lately I’ll call them Big A and Little A (yes, their names both start with A, go figure!):

Big A’s prayer tonight: “Dear God, thank you for everything we have. Thank you for the clock, the windows, the paper, our thankful food, and everything in our house. Thank you for everything in our backyard and in our front yard and in our house. For everything outside and inside our house….” Sadly, my short-term memory is crap.

Little A kept trying to get into her bedroom trashcan yesterday. I was going back and forth doing something (laundry or cleaning or something like that) and every time I’d walk out I’d hear the trashcan fall. I’d do my motherly “Uh uh uh!”, walk back in there, pick her up, and set her back on the other side of her room. This went on a few times before I finally caught her in the act. I said her name in a very motherly yet smiling tone with hands on hips. She giggled, threw herself into the floor and hid her face from me. Like “Oh no I was caught but mommy won’t get mad at me if I look this cute!” She was right.

I could go on. And maybe I should. Maybe I should make it a point to mention something in each blog about a cute or amazing thing they’ve done. But alas, I tend to be forgetful. I’ll do my best to remember.