Monday, November 23, 2009

Teaser Tuesday - Nano Continuation

This is almost directly after the last sample, she's already on the run. Also, as requested, I'll post the Molasses Cookie recipe soon (it requires transcribing and I'm being lazy right now, seeing as it's midnight).

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I pumped all my strength into my legs, pushing them up the steep hill of a road. What was I thinking? I couldn’t out run this guy. My chest was on fire. My wheezes were getting worse, shorter. I had to stop but my mind wouldn’t let me. My throat burned, my eyes watered, my lungs pinched tighter.

I jerked my head around again. He was still there, close but slow. Against my will, my feet fumbled to a stop. My body shook, legs quivering like jello. Okay, fine, I couldn’t out run him. That didn’t mean I’d go without a fight.

I turned to face him, determination to live fueling my breath. He laughed as I went into a fit of coughs and he stopped a few feet away. I nearly choked on my own spit when I got a better look at him. His eyes were yellow.

“Giving up so easily?” He didn’t expect me to answer.

The man leapt at me like a tiger pouncing a zebra. Panic commanded my next move and I shot my hands out as if I could actually push him away. My eyes had shut somewhere in that time and I waited, frozen by anticipation of death.

Nothing.

I opened my eyes and took a step back. He landed on his back at the bottom of the hill. What the—

A black shadow rushed me. With a smack, its force blew into me like a gale from a storm, bringing me along for the ride. I flew back with my limbs flapping like a rag doll. With a crack that sickened my stomach, I landed back-first on the road. My lungs failed miserably. I tried opening my eyes, terrified to move my body. Terrified of what in the hell was happening around me.

Something latched onto my shirt. I tried to scream, but all I managed was a horrible croaking noise at the last of my breath. I flung forward as if someone was trying to stand me upright. My body didn’t cooperate, flailing around limp. A jarring pain ripped up my core. I went numb. The lights dimmed. The inferno in my chest spilled over, devouring the rest of me. Within the darkness taking me over, all I saw was a shadowed face.

He said something garbled or foreign. He pulled me closer with a yank. I wasn’t aware of much anymore, but the fact my feet weren’t on the ground stuck with me. A flash of blurred colors took over my vision. The force holding me up vanished. I plummeted to the street face first. White pain was the last thing overwhelming me before everything drifted away like the ocean receding from a shore.

11 comments:

  1. Well you already know my comments. This is a great scene!

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  2. oooh errr!!!
    Very well written. I got a real sense of action there. The yellow eyes creeped me out!
    My only quibble (I think I'm in a quibbly mood today). There seems to be a fair few "like a..." You're very clever with your metaphors but I think you can afford to trim one or two of them.
    I'm so curious to see where this is going, it's a lot of fun to read.

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  3. Thanks guys! Sue, I think you're right. And it's funny, because I'm always the one in the workshop telling this to other people lol. Thanks!

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  4. Hey Christa! Yeah, this is a cool scene. I'm super curious to know who was chasing her, and what the heck the fog/man/thing was that saved her!

    While I agree with Sue on the similie overload, I figured you'd get to them on the next draft ((sometimes do that a lot as well early on, and then am like EEK! when I go to revise, lol).

    Nice job! :)

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  5. oooooh.... exciting!!! I wanna know what happens next!!!!

    love the fast-paced action and the mystery "rescuer" :)

    one little thing: I did a quick search on predators of zebras (wanted to be certain I was right...) and it should be a lion pouncing on a zebra, not tiger.

    can't wait to find out what happens next!!!

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  6. Wow! I could totally feel her running. Man, I love this girl's voice!

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  7. WOW great teaser. I want MORE!!! What or Who lifted her up??? You big tease! LOL

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  8. I can so relate to her asthma, nice description, it is so like that. I want to know more!

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  9. Love it! For a second I thought he'd lost footing and just rolled down the hill, lol! But I can feel her fear in the first bit- what I always imagine if I think about being chased. Good job!

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  10. Thanks everyone! You guys make me feel all bubbly inside. Will post one more next week!

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  11. Its a great sequence, really well done. There were a few phrases that seemed a little too unhurried and self-aware for the immediacy of the scene (like "Against my will, my feet fumbled to a stop" and "my lungs failed miserably.") and I think you are doing a lot better fighting your natural impulse to explain everything. Woo hoo!

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