Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Teaser Tuesday - Nano Continuation #2

This will probably be the last one for the year. It's almost a direct continuation from last weeks. She basically woke up in the middle of the street after seeing a bunch of colored lights, and realizes there are people around her.



“It’s okay, we’re not here to harm you.” A girl stepped from around me and squatted down next to the guy. They had American accents.

I looked from one to the other, my mind still distant from my body. I couldn’t even get my stupid mouth to speak.

The guy decided to make himself comfortable and sat criss-cross. In the middle of the street. The girl draped an arm over his shoulders. “I’m sure you have a lot of questions,” he said.

I snorted. Yay! Voluntary sound. The moonlight shone down on them, paling the brown hobbit-style hair of the guy. The girl, however, seemed to be outlined by the silver light.

“Do you talk?” she asked.

Rude, much?

“Give her a minute, she’s just been killed.”

That kick-started my brain. “Do what?”

“Well, almost, anyway,” he added.

The girl stood with a sigh and ran a hand through her auburn hair. “Honestly, you’d think they could come with a book or something so we didn’t have to waste time every single transformation.”

“What? Transformation? Who the hell are you people?” I got to my feet in record time, putting the fact I wasn’t doubled over in pain in the back of my mind. My hands trembled and I stared at the blood covering them. The familiar feeling of cramped lungs crept over my chest.

The guy stood up with me and put out a hand. “Hold on now, don’t panic.”

“Don’t panic? Seriously? I was almost killed. Where’s the guy who tried to kill me? And who are you? Start talking before I—“

“Before you what?” The redhead turned on me with a predatory smile that would make Dawn proud. “Throw us down the hill?”

“Cynthia, enough.”

I didn’t hear the rest of their exchange, too preoccupied trying not to die. For real. I hunched over, fighting to gain control over my lame lungs. Paul’s warm hand held my shoulder. About to break free from one of these freaks bag and tagging me, I stopped short.

I could breathe again.

Cynthia huffed and stormed down the hill. Her bitch-itude was the least of my worries. I turned my puzzling look up to the guy. “Did you just do that?”

His attention moved from Cynthia to me and he smiled, stepping closer, but not answering my question. Something about him seemed familiar.

I swallowed. “Okay. Am I dreaming?”

“No.”

“How can I believe you?”

“If you don’t now, you will in time.”

“Oh.” That didn’t help one friggin’ bit. “So, then what happened?”

“The men who tried to kill you are gone. For now.”

Thoroughly confused I shifted my weight and put a hand on my hip. “Wait, there were two?”

“We don’t have time for this!” Cynthia snapped. “They’ll be up any minute now.” She stormed back up the hill with speed totally not human.

“She’s right.” He let go of my shoulder, my breath regulated and easy.

“Who are you people?”

“You can call me Paul.”

Cynthia gave a glance to the sky as if searching for something. She placed a gentle touch on Paul’s back. “You already know my name. Now let’s get you back to Zorbas.”

“What?”

Cynthia flinched and shrugged to Paul who looked ready to ream her.

“You were following me?” Omigod, was that why that one dude was trailing me? For these two? “Okay, tell me what the hell is going on now or I’m calling the cops.” My cell was still in my pocket. Whether it was ruined or not after being thrown around, these two didn’t have to know. I whipped it out like it was a loaded gun.

11 comments:

  1. Great dialogue and now I'm totally intrigued by what's going on. Couple of weird things. You start using the names Paul and Cynthia before Jessa knows that their names are Paul and Cynthia. Also, there were two lines that read weird to me - "A girl stepped from around me and squatted down next to the guy" - and - "I got to my feet in record time, putting the fact I wasn’t doubled over in pain in the back of my mind." I think both of them are just from overexplanation and could easily be cut.

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  2. Must be something in the air. Everyone is doing these creepy teasers today.

    I think this is very tough kind of scene to pull off, just because we see so many similar ones - wake up, find out you're dead, etc - and you did an excellent job of it. Loved the "give her a minute, she's just been killed" line! Nice mix of humor and confusion, and Cynthia's attitude is great.

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  3. I'm not having much comment mojo today, so I hope this shows up!

    I like it. Especially the 'she's just been killed' line. Can't wait to see how this develops.

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  4. Thanks guys! Gretchen, I'll mess around with those lines to see if I can make them less weird.

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  5. Like the others, I love the humor mixed with the tension. You did a great job with the scene. :D Loved the line with her whipping the cell out like a loaded gun! LOL! LOVED that!!!

    Reminds me of another show (can't remember which one) where one character used a mop to poke into another person's back. I think it might've been Diagnosis Murder...

    eh... anywhos, LOVED the scene and can't wait to see where it goes next!!!

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  6. Nicely done, Christa. The combination of sarcasm and shock is great. And a very interesting situation!

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  7. Totally love your MC. Loved the line everyone else did, plus "bitch-itude." Also, liked the way you made "In the middle of the street" one sentence for empahsis--it really shows that your MC thought that was pretty whacked! I'm also totally curious what is going on here.

    I did get a little confused with all the up and down the hilling going on, and could use a tad more setting/description? But totally easy to fix.

    Great voice! :)

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  8. I love it! It's so interesting, I want to keep reading, especially because she'd dead/not dead, my kind of story!

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  9. Love the voice. "Give her a minute..." priceless ;-) You're talented at action sequences! Good job!

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  10. Thanks again, guys! Glad the action is flowing right.

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  11. Hehehe "bitch-itude" I LOVE IT! LOL Sorry I won't get to read more until later. I want to know what's gonna happen... I really like this character's spunk.

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