Thursday, September 1, 2011

Taking the Bull by the Horns Isn't So Easy Sometimes

I’m emotionally numb right now. As much as I try to stay positive in our situation, it sometimes gets hard. As some know, Alaina had to be admitted into the hospital again Sunday because of fluid retention in her hip joint. It’s been nothing less than a roller coaster ride what with high fevers, bad allergic reactions to antibiotics, nurses giving her something they already noted she’s allergic to and getting another allergic reaction, her not sleeping at all one night, her barely eating a morsel, her being playful and friendly with everyone, her wanting to walk and be independent after the first day which was full of nothing but pain for her in her hip after the surgery, and it ended tonight with her having to be “poked” twice, all because mommy picked her up and her IV cord was tangled and it pulled her port and deaccessed it. So, they went to put in a new port (requires a needle poke in her chest where her mediport was surgically placed) and the nurse didn’t get it in where it accessed the port. This all required other nurses to hold her down and me to try talking calmly to her. After five minutes of this I eventually broke down and was crying with her. It just isn’t fair for any baby to go through all of this! And she is my baby. Only 2 ½ yet she seems so much older after everything that has happened. It just isn’t right, but then, I know there must be a plan in place by God and this will shape the person she’s supposed to be. But I’m so pissed off at cancer right now. As much as I try to follow my motto of taking what life gives you and grabbing it by the horns, sometimes my hands slip.

But I’m still capable of being positive. If there was any better time for Alaina to have to have things like fluid in the joint to happen, now would be the best time. We had to be on a break from chemo anyway to wait for her counts to go back up, so this doesn’t mess with her schedule at all. Driving home tonight (I was relieved by my mother-in-law, and go back tomorrow morning to release Alaina from the hospital), I wanted nothing but to have all my family with me under one roof. I miss my husband, my other two sweet children who have to go through just as much emotional crap as I do. Well, at least Averie. Poor girl. She’s such an amazing little girl and sister and I know this is really hard for her, especially for the fact I haven’t been home for all but a few hours the entire week. And it kills me. It kills me to not be there in the morning and help her get ready for school, or be the one to pick her up and ask how her day was, or the one to tuck her in at night. And poor little Anderson. He knows no better, but he’s still just being pulled along for the ride and I missed him SO much. Oh my goodness, how good it is to hold that tiny little chubby baby in my arms and shower him with kisses. And my poor husband, who is pulled in so many directions by work and home and hospital. He’s just as exhausted as I am and I love him so much, he’s such an amazing man.

Our lives have twisted and contorted into something else and we’re still trying to get our bearings. I can’t even run errands now because Alaina can’t be exposed to public and germs a lot of the times. I work hard at trying to make it work, to go with the flow, but sometimes I just shake my fist at this disease and curse it with all my might. And I have the right to. I’m flipping it the bird right now! (Makes it a bit harder to type, though….)

There is so much more in me I wish to say. So much more I want to express, more for myself than for anything else. But I’m drained. I’m glad we’ll be together as a family again tomorrow. It sucks that Alaina is unable to take a bath or swim for two weeks, two of her favorite things to do. And her walking is set back again. She tries very hard, bless her soul, to be independent but those feet just aren’t walking the right way and she loses her balance a lot. As frustrated as I feel right now, I know a good night’s sleep will help. Even if I have to wake up to feed my sweet boy. A new sunrise makes everything a little bit better, and easier to manage.


  1. I'm sorry, ChristaCarol. This is so hard. Still praying for you all!


  2. Oh, ChristaCarol. Your posts always make me cry but I read every word and hope every day for your baby girl's recovery. Please know that I'm thinking of you and your family. <3

  3. My prayers and thoughts are with you at this time. I hope you get the rest you need, and the family is brought together under one roof.

  4. Christa, it's been half a year or so since I visited your blog, and I just read the first page of posts. My mom had cancer too, and the effects of chemo and bone marrow sampling sounded so familiar, except I can't imagine what it must be like having a small child go through that. Hoping for the best for you and your family!

    And I will be checking your blog much more regularly from now on.


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