Thursday, September 1, 2011
But I’m still capable of being positive. If there was any better time for Alaina to have to have things like fluid in the joint to happen, now would be the best time. We had to be on a break from chemo anyway to wait for her counts to go back up, so this doesn’t mess with her schedule at all. Driving home tonight (I was relieved by my mother-in-law, and go back tomorrow morning to release Alaina from the hospital), I wanted nothing but to have all my family with me under one roof. I miss my husband, my other two sweet children who have to go through just as much emotional crap as I do. Well, at least Averie. Poor girl. She’s such an amazing little girl and sister and I know this is really hard for her, especially for the fact I haven’t been home for all but a few hours the entire week. And it kills me. It kills me to not be there in the morning and help her get ready for school, or be the one to pick her up and ask how her day was, or the one to tuck her in at night. And poor little Anderson. He knows no better, but he’s still just being pulled along for the ride and I missed him SO much. Oh my goodness, how good it is to hold that tiny little chubby baby in my arms and shower him with kisses. And my poor husband, who is pulled in so many directions by work and home and hospital. He’s just as exhausted as I am and I love him so much, he’s such an amazing man.
Our lives have twisted and contorted into something else and we’re still trying to get our bearings. I can’t even run errands now because Alaina can’t be exposed to public and germs a lot of the times. I work hard at trying to make it work, to go with the flow, but sometimes I just shake my fist at this disease and curse it with all my might. And I have the right to. I’m flipping it the bird right now! (Makes it a bit harder to type, though….)
There is so much more in me I wish to say. So much more I want to express, more for myself than for anything else. But I’m drained. I’m glad we’ll be together as a family again tomorrow. It sucks that Alaina is unable to take a bath or swim for two weeks, two of her favorite things to do. And her walking is set back again. She tries very hard, bless her soul, to be independent but those feet just aren’t walking the right way and she loses her balance a lot. As frustrated as I feel right now, I know a good night’s sleep will help. Even if I have to wake up to feed my sweet boy. A new sunrise makes everything a little bit better, and easier to manage.