Thursday, October 6, 2011

Maybe I'm Not Ready to Look Back

I added a blog archive to the column, and for some silly reason, decided to click on the oldest month, February of 2010. All the blogs come up, and one has a picture of Alaina, just over 1, standing and talking on my cell phone. It's moments like that, just when I thought I was strong and I'd be okay from now on, that fiercely correct me. I have to be honest, it's still blows my mind when I say it in my head. Alaina has cancer. You'd think maybe by now I'd accept it, get over the shock of it all, but I'm not sure I ever really had a moment to sit and really soak the reality in. As soon as I got out of the hospital with Anderson, I went to hers, with him along. The nurses there gave me a hard time, but with good intentions, because I was walking all over the hospital, toting him around, four days after having a cesarean. I had to drive from there to home a few times because it was just crazy, and Averie needed me too. I barely had time to adjust to everything, let alone sleep. Don't worry, I'm not throwing a pity party...moreso, just telling myself it's okay that I haven't fully accepted this new reality yet. So much was happening at once, it was like a tornado of nightmares.

Things are settled down now, yes, but I have to say I'm nervous of what lies ahead. Things like her skin problems, that she never had (these raised bumps that are red and puffy and dry all over her hands, some on her feet, and patches on her knees and elbows) wake her up at night because of itching (she doesn't really each much during the day)...and no real known reason, other than a possible drug reaction. I hate that. I hate that while things appear normal my baby can't feel normal. I'm taking her tomorrow to her pediatrician just to get a second opinion on if he thinks it's a drug reaction too or possibly eczema. And then if it is eczema, I have to make sure whatever ointment or medicine she has to take is okay with her oncologist so it doesn't interfere with her chemo. Not sure many people know this, because I didn't, but multivitamins and immunizations are all a no-no until she's done with treatment. If things go as planned, she'll be done with treatment the beginning of 2014, which is the year she enters Kindergarten (that fall). So that's a good thing.

Anyways, I'm nervous about next week. Just a little....because it's new chemo. Or atleast, a heavier dose. I think she gets methotrexate in her spinal taps she's had...this will be done IV. Typically, or I should say, the average child does fine with this chemo. But we've all found out Alaina is not the average child when going through treatment. She keeps her doctor on his toes, and the staff, that's for sure. She came in last week for a transfusion and they gave her tylenol and benadryl before they did anything just to be safe (she's had a reaction to both blood and platelet transfusions). She's just a very sensitive little girl and it freaks the hell out of me. What if she reacts to an important chemo and can't take it anymore? What if all these sensitivities screw up her chances of having a normal life afterward? It's scary. I try not to think about it because then I just go down that tunnel....

So enough of the depressing talk. Look at those donations! It makes me proud we've raised so much to go into helping kids, and other people, fighting cancer with Alaina. And on happier notes, I'm taking Averie for her first fishing trip after school tomorrow while my mommy's helper watches the other kiddos. She's stoked! So am I. :)

Shine On!


  1. I love the picture. Alaina looks so serious in it, as though she's having an important discussion. But you're right, that kind of reminder of better days can be difficult to take. I'm glad you and Averie went on a fishing trip, though - hope you had lots of fun even if you didn't catch anything!

  2. I desperately wish there was more that I could do for your daughter. I still can't remember where I found your blog, but this story certainly tugs at my heart. So much so that I'm tempted to cancel all other charities-of-the-month at my blog and just focus full time on LLS.

    At the very least, I know I'll feature them quite a bit in the future!


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