I pumped all my strength into my legs, pushing them up the steep hill of a road. What was I thinking? I couldn’t out run this guy. My chest was on fire. My wheezes were getting worse, shorter. I had to stop but my mind wouldn’t let me. My throat burned, my eyes watered, my lungs pinched tighter.
I jerked my head around again. He was still there, close but slow. Against my will, my feet fumbled to a stop. My body shook, legs quivering like jello. Okay, fine, I couldn’t out run him. That didn’t mean I’d go without a fight.
I turned to face him, determination to live fueling my breath. He laughed as I went into a fit of coughs and he stopped a few feet away. I nearly choked on my own spit when I got a better look at him. His eyes were yellow.
“Giving up so easily?” He didn’t expect me to answer.
The man leapt at me like a tiger pouncing a zebra. Panic commanded my next move and I shot my hands out as if I could actually push him away. My eyes had shut somewhere in that time and I waited, frozen by anticipation of death.
Nothing.
I opened my eyes and took a step back. He landed on his back at the bottom of the hill. What the—
A black shadow rushed me. With a smack, its force blew into me like a gale from a storm, bringing me along for the ride. I flew back with my limbs flapping like a rag doll. With a crack that sickened my stomach, I landed back-first on the road. My lungs failed miserably. I tried opening my eyes, terrified to move my body. Terrified of what in the hell was happening around me.
Something latched onto my shirt. I tried to scream, but all I managed was a horrible croaking noise at the last of my breath. I flung forward as if someone was trying to stand me upright. My body didn’t cooperate, flailing around limp. A jarring pain ripped up my core. I went numb. The lights dimmed. The inferno in my chest spilled over, devouring the rest of me. Within the darkness taking me over, all I saw was a shadowed face.
He said something garbled or foreign. He pulled me closer with a yank. I wasn’t aware of much anymore, but the fact my feet weren’t on the ground stuck with me. A flash of blurred colors took over my vision. The force holding me up vanished. I plummeted to the street face first. White pain was the last thing overwhelming me before everything drifted away like the ocean receding from a shore.
Well you already know my comments. This is a great scene!
ReplyDeleteoooh errr!!!
ReplyDeleteVery well written. I got a real sense of action there. The yellow eyes creeped me out!
My only quibble (I think I'm in a quibbly mood today). There seems to be a fair few "like a..." You're very clever with your metaphors but I think you can afford to trim one or two of them.
I'm so curious to see where this is going, it's a lot of fun to read.
Thanks guys! Sue, I think you're right. And it's funny, because I'm always the one in the workshop telling this to other people lol. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteHey Christa! Yeah, this is a cool scene. I'm super curious to know who was chasing her, and what the heck the fog/man/thing was that saved her!
ReplyDeleteWhile I agree with Sue on the similie overload, I figured you'd get to them on the next draft ((sometimes do that a lot as well early on, and then am like EEK! when I go to revise, lol).
Nice job! :)
oooooh.... exciting!!! I wanna know what happens next!!!!
ReplyDeletelove the fast-paced action and the mystery "rescuer" :)
one little thing: I did a quick search on predators of zebras (wanted to be certain I was right...) and it should be a lion pouncing on a zebra, not tiger.
can't wait to find out what happens next!!!
Wow! I could totally feel her running. Man, I love this girl's voice!
ReplyDeleteWOW great teaser. I want MORE!!! What or Who lifted her up??? You big tease! LOL
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to her asthma, nice description, it is so like that. I want to know more!
ReplyDeleteLove it! For a second I thought he'd lost footing and just rolled down the hill, lol! But I can feel her fear in the first bit- what I always imagine if I think about being chased. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone! You guys make me feel all bubbly inside. Will post one more next week!
ReplyDeleteIts a great sequence, really well done. There were a few phrases that seemed a little too unhurried and self-aware for the immediacy of the scene (like "Against my will, my feet fumbled to a stop" and "my lungs failed miserably.") and I think you are doing a lot better fighting your natural impulse to explain everything. Woo hoo!
ReplyDelete